Love is in the air! Or is it? Whether you just got married or are about to celebrate your 25 th
anniversary, relationships all go through their tough times. We get busy with work, family,
competitive board games etc., that we forget what is most important to us sometimes. What
will make the relationship last is continuing to be mindful and keeping the relationship a top
priority. Here are some ways to help re-discover what brought you two together.
1. Keep sacred the 5-1 ratio – Two very smart people called John and Julie Gottman
conducted a lot of research in the last 20 or so years. One of the things the Gottman’s
talk about is something called the 5-1 ratio. For every negative interaction you have in a
relationship, there must be 5 or more positive interactions to maintain a healthy and
stable relationship. These positive interactions don’t need to be massive gestures like
trips to Cancun or a brand new car, but small gestures will help build momentum
towards overall relationship satisfaction.
2. Love Languages – Gary Chapman identified the 5 Love Languages as the best ways to
connect in any relationship. The 5 Love Languages are Physical Touch, Words of
Affirmation, Gift Giving, Acts of Service, and Quality Time. It is important to identify both
how you receive love, and how you give love. What is more important is understanding
your partner’s needs. You might end up spending a lot of money if your love language is
Gift Giving, but your partner’s is Words of Affirmation. Understanding both our love
language and our partner’s will help you both feel closer to one another. People
generally feel more stable in the relationship when they feel both partners are on the
same page and feel understood.
3. Date Nights – One of the things I hear often in the therapy room is that the relationship
has become complacent and “we are stuck in a rut”. When a relationship begins, there
is a lot of excitement trying new things and having new experiences with someone.
However, what often happens is couples cross the marriage finish line and stop trying as
hard to prioritize the relationship. Date nights are key to making sure we don’t fall
victim to complacency. Try a new sport, travel to new places, experiment with new
cuisine, or even starting a new tradition can be a great way to reconnect. Schedule date
nights in advance, plan weekend activities for indoor and outdoor, and aim to be more
present rather than just going through the motions.