Self-Love Isn’t Gentle…It’s Honest and Curious

Once upon a time, we entered this world with wonder and curiosity.

We trusted ourselves. 

We listened to a quiet inner knowing that had always been there.

Somewhere along the way, that trust was disrupted. The world began telling us who to be and how to be, and we slowly lost connection to our internal world, the quiet voice that once whispered when to move, when to pause, and when something wasn’t right.

As I write this, my heart feels heavy. I’m deeply saddened by the state of our world right now, by the fear and instability moving through our country and surging through our communities, by systems that are creating harm and division instead of safety and connection. In moments like this, we are being asked to return to ourselves.

Not to look away from what’s happening, but to anchor inward so we can remain present, human, and connected enough to support one another. We are not meant to live in isolation, from each other or from ourselves.

Self-love is often described as something you do, like self-care, but it’s really about how you respond to yourself in your hardest moments. And while February is filled with messages about romance, and being chosen by someone else, the most important relationship we carry is the one we have with ourselves, especially when things inside feel tender, conflicted, or overwhelming.

So, how do we slow down and begin to cultivate a relationship within, with all parts of us? This may sound like an insurmountable task, but maybe, together, we can take small steps.

Developing a loving relationship with ourselves isn’t about repeating false mantras or pretending everything is fine and denying our reality. It asks for honest, gentle, grounded presence rather than harsh criticism or judgment. Our nervous system knows when we’re lying to ourselves; it doesn’t respond to repeated affirmations, but to what is real and present. Just as honesty is the foundation of any meaningful relationship with another person, it is also essential in the relationship we cultivate within ourselves.

This begins with curiosity.

Curiosity invites us to notice what’s here without judgment or harshness, to explore our emotions, behaviors, and long-held patterns without immediately criticizing them. In that space, inner conflict softens into self-awareness, and self-awareness becomes the path to connection. This return to self begins with curious attention to gently name what we are feeling and then, the nervous system shifts from threat to understanding.

 Self-love requires noticing, not fixing. Let’s begin…

Practicing Self-Love Through Notice and Name

One gentle, nervous-system–informed way to practice self-love is a process called Notice and Name, adapted from The Polyvagal Solution by Rebecca Kase. This practice helps shift us out of reactivity and back into connection with ourselves and with the present moment.

It’s simple and powerful. It works because the nervous system settles when it feels seen rather than ignored. 

Step One: Notice

Noticing means pausing long enough to sense what is happening inside your body and internal world—without trying to fix, explain, or change it.

You might notice:

• a tight chest or shallow breath

• heaviness in your body

• a racing mind

• an urge to pull away, shut down, or people-please

• warmth, softness, or a moment of ease

  
  

Noticing is an act of respect. You’re allowing your nervous system to tell the truth about what it’s experiencing. There is no “right” sensation to find. Whatever you notice is enough.

In polyvagal terms, this step helps move us out of automatic survival responses by bringing awareness online. Attention alone can begin to reduce the feeling of threat.

Step Two: Name

Naming means gently putting words to what you noticed, using simple, compassionate language.

For example:

• “I’m noticing tension in my shoulders.”

• “This feels like anxiety.”

• “My body feels braced, because the world feels like it is on fire right now.”

• “Part of me feels overwhelmed right now, because I am feeling helpless.”

  
  

The goal is not perfect labeling or analysis. It’s not making sense of everything. The goal is acknowledgment of your own truth. 

Research shows that naming internal experiences helps calm the brain and nervous system. When we name what’s happening, the body receives the message: I’m not alone with this.

Step Three: Stay (Optional, but Powerful)

If it feels available, you might add a third step: staying.

This means offering a brief moment of presence or kindness toward what you named:

• placing a hand on your body

• taking one slow breath

• saying quietly, “I’m here with you.”

  
  

You’re not trying to make the feeling go away. You’re letting your system know it doesn’t have to face this moment by itself. Self-love, from this lens, isn’t about positive thinking or pushing feelings aside. It’s about turning toward yourself with curiosity, honesty, and care, again and again.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can say to yourself  is “This is what’s happening in me right now and I’m allowed to notice it.”

This is a beginning. A return home, to yourself, to your inner knowing, to who you were always meant to be. Because the world needs you.

Stacy Doak, LCPC

Trained EMDR Therapist

Certified Breathwork Practitioner

Disclaimer: This blog is for educational purposes only and does not replace therapy or medical care. If you are in crisis, please contact 988 or your local emergency services.

References: Kase, R. (2023). The Polyvagal Solution. PESI Publishing & Media.